Quiet.
That was all I wanted – literal quiet.
When you are a mom, in a busy life with a busy home, there is much to be grateful for. But moments of quiet are rare. Eventually, I got to a point where I felt overwhelmed by all the noise. The needs of my kids, of work, of home, of marriage, of friendship, of family, of holidays … it all felt so loud.
While generally loud is a place I am comfortable existing (ask anyone who knows me: I am an incredibly loud talker), I was beginning to feel I was suffocating in it. Drowning in sound.
I wanted to hear myself think. I wanted to allow myself to feel. I wanted to take a step away from, to be frank, absolutely anyone else to navigate. Selfish? Maybe. But when you are drowning you kind of just claw at whatever is available to help you breathe.
Seeking solitude was what drove me to craft my own “mini-retreat” at the end of November/early December. I call this a mini-retreat because it was simple and short. It wasn’t a Costa Rican yoga excursion or a wallet-depleting spa excursion. It was just me, alone.
It was so fascinating!
As human beings, particularly in our modern culture, we have a rocky relationship with solitude. On the one hand, science acknowledges that humans need to be in relationships with others to be fulfilled and happy. So we constantly fill up, just swiping up, with human dialogue and stories. Yet we still feel hollow.
It is easy with phones and video streaming to hear others talk. But despite that, we sense that something is still missing. It turns out, being in dialogue with ourselves is much harder. So we run from it; we certainly tend not to value it. The thing we end up missing is ourselves.
I find it strange we don’t value solitude more because science also tells us that we need to be alone. In fact, the benefits of solitude are convincing, if we allow the message in.
The challenges I experienced trying on solitude for just two days were not unique. Many women, particularly, have this challenge. The guilt with a heaping side of discomfort topped with instilled fears for our safety is a real dish we’re served. During my time away, I recalled that the last time I tried something similar I produced this article.
But I did it again, a solo mini-retreat. I hiked a mountain alone (literally). I learned how to give mental space to myself and not my kids for two days. I fell in love with myself again. I came out feeling powerful and hopeful.
It turns out, when I actually take myself out for drinks, I enjoy spending time with myself. Of course, the solitude gave me some moments to really think through my personal challenges – but it also gave me time to think through approaches. I cannot emphasize enough how much these two days helped me.
The freedom of not having to follow the lead of others, with “no pressure to do anything, no pressure to talk to anyone, no obligation to make plans with people,” is a great way to process and decompress, even for highly social individuals, Ms. Roberts said. It also helps us discover new interests and ideas without having to worry about the opinions of others — one study even showed that teens are less self-conscious when they’re alone. (Source)
Tips to create your own mini-retreat:
Treat yourself with respect, and don’t back out on this!
You’ve realized you are important enough to give yourself the gift of solitude. That’s the first great step. Now, treat the appointment like you would with your best friend: don’t back out! You made this commitment to yourself. Keep it. Even if everything in your parental life is filling you with (unnecessary) guilt, or work suddenly wants the report, or if the weather looks not great, or if you got a pull in your neck…whatever happens, just GO.
Find lodging that works for you.
Find something that fits your personality and what you love. I love being connected to nature, trying new experiences, and coziness. I also like budget-friendly travel. But I also knew I wanted a hot tub and did not want to camp on my own (especially in the Blue Ridge Mountains in November!).
When it came to planning, I also realized I didn’t want to jump on a plane or spend a lot of time traveling to my mini-retreat. I didn’t want a hotel this time around because I wanted to feel alone and isolated, absorbed by quiet.
I found a very fun Airbnb unique stay that checked all the boxes: a tiny home! It was nestled in a beautiful area of Virginia I could comfortably drive to. It offered all the comforts I wanted without requiring too much money or too much time.
But you might want access to a beautiful view, or a swimming pool, or a particular spa. Whatever parameters you set for your mini-retreat, be true to yourself and then find what you want. Remember, you have no one to answer to but yourself, so have fun!
Set aside time for thoughtful reflection and journaling.
I love Powersheets, and have used them for years. I took all of my past Powersheets with me this mini-retreat and used them to inform where I’ve been. What themes keep coming up? What’s been working for me? What hasn’t?
I also had my 2023 Powersheets to help me think through the right questions to ask as I looked ahead.
But you don’t have to use these. There are many online guides for meditation and thoughtful consideration that can help this process.
Time with your thoughts sans social distractions can also be restorative, build your confidence and make it easier for you to maintain boundaries, Ms. Roberts said. In addition, it can boost productivity, engagement with others and creativity, and a study published in Current Directions in Psychological Science found that brainstorming was enhanced when participants alternated between brainstorming alone and with a group. (Source)
Do things that you love to do, things that fill you up with joy.
For me, that is not screen time. So I worked hard to break habits such as interrupting uncomfortable silence with TV and podcasts. I put limits on myself but also didn’t deprive myself. For example, when cooking, I enjoyed listening to music. I also enjoyed spending one of the nights watching a Christmas-themed rom-com (because I never get to watch those in a house I share with three “boys”).
But I also hiked, walked in the woods, listened to the birds, went wine tasting, sang my heart out, and cooked delicious meals with things like chanterelles as the main dish.
Plan ahead a little, so you don’t feel lost once you begin.
I feel my perfect place when I travel is having some idea of what is available and what I might want to do, but then allowing space to make different decisions based on a need or mood. I like getting tickets to things I know I will want to do if it means not standing in a line! And I hate the feeling of not being able to have the experience I want simply because I didn’t “do my homework.”
Additionally, when it comes to being alone, it can be hard at first to even know what you want to do. If you have spent a lot of time (like me) running around to the beat of someone else’s drum or schedule, when you get a chance to choose your own adventure, things can get confusing.
We have forgotten to learn to listen to what we want and need.
Then, the lack of momentum becomes the thing, habits kick in, screens come out, and the intention of solitude disappears.
To help, start the mini-retreat with some ideas of things you might want to do. Scrap the list if you want when you get there, but go in with some ideas of what time in solitude means to you.
So was it worth it?
This was surprisingly challenging and wildly uncomfortable. Even though I craved silence, I realized immediately that my habit is to fill it up.
But once I got used to myself again, I found this to be the healthiest thing I did for myself all year.
Productive solitude requires internal exploration, a kind of labor which can be uncomfortable, even excruciating. “It might take a little bit of work before it turns into a pleasant experience. But once it does it becomes maybe the most important relationship anybody ever has, the relationship you have with yourself.” (source)
I came home from my mini-retreat revitalized and motivated again because I felt hope. I knew what I wanted and who I was. I remembered my values and got reacquainted with everything that makes me unique.
I don’t know how long the major effects will last – I felt pretty tired again after just two weeks back to full tilt. But my self-confidence, my relationship with myself, was rekindled. And that holds to this day.