We had a short conversation about life with a parenting friend lately. “Yes, we are so busy and then I remembered it’s April! April is always our busiest month! When sports are over things will calm down and we can get back to life.” And it got me thinking: is April this mad for all parents? And why do we not consider this time “life?”
Because lately, it feels like we’ve been hanging on by a thread in our house. Both of us pulling more demanding hours than normal for big projects; kids games requiring hours at fields; charities ramping up activity to help the community before summer slumber; and a home where, like all homes, little things break and need tending.
We looked at each other the other day and I said, plaintively, this isn’t the life that I want, this busy-ness. Life. What is the life that we want, and how do we form it?
The way we feel now in our home, we do it to ourselves. We opt in to many activities, both because we have to and because we want to. When coach calls an “emergency” baseball practice on a Sunday afternoon for the rec team of 9-year-olds, we go. We say “yes” to church committees and Parks & Rec boards. We do all these things because they are good things. But when our bodies and hearts get too exhausted to keep up with it all, the sum total of too much “good” becomes bad.
We have the power to make choices. So instead of feeling helpless in the weight of parent-driven exhaustion, I am empowering us to reassess this month of April and how it went. We have learned parenting is really about adjusting, readjusting, then adjusting again. Each new season and commitment and grade level comes with new challenges and the pendulum swings. Let’s figure out how we can swing the pendulum back to “life” and the one we want.
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Here is how we see it:
There are Have-To-Dos, Strive-To-Dos, and Want-To-Dos. We need to pull from all of these buckets in different measures to have a complete and healthy life, but we (at least I) get confused as to what buckets things actually belong in and then pull from one bucket far too much while ignoring the others. Then things tip off balance.
For example, kids recreational sports. That’s a Strive-To-Do activity, not a Have-To-Do. But we have been allowing this Strive-To-Do to take up far too much time that even our Have-To-Dos are suffering.
So, if I break it down, what fits into my three buckets? If I look at the tasks in my life, where do they go? What do my Life Buckets look like?
Have-To-Dos
- feed my family: grocery shop and make the food available to eat
- do laundry
- keep a clean house for safety and health
- feed pets
- take kids to doctors and dentists
- take pets to veterinarians
- help kids manage school (e.g., help with homework, fill out forms)
- keep me healthy
- keep my marriage healthy
- work
(Notice this list does NOT include make gourmet meals or shop at three different grocery stores to get different products at the best prices – those are Strive-To-Dos. This list also does not include home improvement projects but only the requirement that my house is safe and clean.)
Strive-To-Dos
- give back to the community
- extracurricular activities for kids to increase their social skills, brain growth, and dynamic minds
- vacation with my family to bring the family closer and to enjoy time together
- provide educational opportunities outside of school to push them academically
- check homework and help with test preparation
- attend church during the week and every Sunday
- excel at work and grow a career
- read (books! not Facebook posts!)
- go out with friends to keep a social network of support, love, and fun
- see extended family regularly and maintain relationships
Want-To-Dos
- garden
- cook gourmet meals
- play music
- listen to music
- have a creative side hustle that gives me expression, connection to universal love and flow, and is an option for future-building my career aspirations
- continuing education (in whatever I want, including arts, physical activities, my own sports; attend conferences, presentations, and performances in these subjects)
- outdoor recreational activities
- have a great, put-together wardrobe
- home improvement projects
- a house we are proud of that reflects creativity, warmth, and love
- clean out the junk
- crafting (for me, that’s sewing)
- plan memorable parties for special occasions
- host dinner parties and opportunities to love my friends
- make holidays awesome
That’s a lot! My buckets are full. But breaking it down like this doesn’t make me feel overwhelmed. It actually frees me and unburdens me immediately.
Because when I look at this list the truth is in my face: I can’t do everything in all of my Life Buckets all the time. So if I want to be able to sit at the end of the day and feel like I did it “all,” that I gave parenting and life my best shot, the only choice is to redefine what “all” is.
If “all” was less than everything in my three Life Buckets, if it were only the Have-To-Dos, I successfully complete every day with getting it “all” done. My kids aren’t hungry, their sheets are clean (usually), pets are alive and healthy.
The answer is to redefine what I think my requirements are every day, to make less. Less goal-setting, parents, and more goal-slimming.
We do all need to pull out of all buckets regularly, and we should certainly make time for the Want-To-Dos if they fill us and bring us happiness. But it helps to understand that if I only have 1 hour a day to squeeze in a Want-To-Do, I know what’s in the bucket so I pick the right thing. I don’t want to pull out a Strive-To-Do when I have set aside time for a Want-To-Do activity.
And we all need to get help. If we can’t meet our Have-To-Dos, find assistance! Marriage not strong? Get a therapist. Or a babysitter for a night or weekend. (Happy marriage is a non-negotiable Have-To-Do.) House isn’t clean? Hire someone for a day, an hour, whatever we feel like we can afford, or ask a relative or the kids to help.
Then once we master the Have-To-Dos, we can add in the Strive-To-Dos, But we must be kinder to ourselves and recognize that Strive-To-Dos do not define us as parents, and may not even be defining the life that we want.
I encourage you to make your three Life Buckets and spend time considering what buckets you pull from and how often.
If you need more help, I highly recommend the Lara Casey 2018 PowerSheets Collection. These PowerSheets are an intentional goal-setting planner and workbook set that can help you get personal with what is on your list and in your buckets. They will help you find success and peace as you not only define what your life should look like but how to get there.
If we continue chasing it all, we will be weary with defeat before we even begin. April will continue to be a month we don’t “live.”
Parents, doing it “all” isn’t about adding more. Doing it “all” means focusing on less.
Last Updated on April 27, 2018 by Mrs. Family Trip